Mastering the Art of…#2
If it is challenging to forgive others, you may find it even more difficult to forgive yourself.
As renowned author and researcher, Fred Luskin, says, “Self-forgiveness is a form of emotional healing that allows us to move from despair and self-attack to acceptance and peace, without letting ourselves off the hook.”
He goes on to expand into some crucial steps for forgiving yourself:
- Be clear about what you did. While being gentle with yourself, clearly articulate the specific wrong you committed and who it may have harmed. You need to know what you are forgiving yourself for.
- Understand what you want. A reminder: Remorse over past behavior is not a bad thing. When you feel remorse, you are often seeing your behavior and its consequences clearly. And through remorse, when you are able to make amends, it can bring balance and clarity.
- End self attack. The key to the practice of self-forgiveness is releasing self-attack—dealing too harshly with ourselves even if we have failed or hurt someone.
- Own your unrealistic expectations. Remember, it is the unrealistic aspect of your rules that is a significant part of why you struggle to forgive yourself.
- Apologize. Sincere apologies include four key steps:
You admit something you did was wrong.
You acknowledge that your wrong caused them pain, and that their pain is legitimate.
You apologize for the wrong and the pain it caused.
You offer a sincere effort to not do the wrong again. - Make it right. To make amends, look for a way to be kind to those you have hurt.
- Identify your positive intention. This is the final step of self-forgiveness. Change your story and create one that looks forward, not backward.
That’s a lot. But of course, forgiving yourself is hard work. And it is work worth doing,
Worth Repeating
Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.
— Desmond Tutu
